True North: Finding your Center and Staying on Your Path

What Now?

Like so many others, I was laid off last year. After climbing the corporate ladder at a well-known NYC-based company for over ten years, playing the model employee, working to distinguish myself, swatting away the pettiness and the politics, and building a successful portfolio, the senior management changed direction and I was systematically "de-hired".

Now, I have seen this transition as a huge blessing from the very beginning, for a number of reasons. This job was one that I took when, as a young single lady in my late 20's, I moved from Woodstock to Manhattan with dreams of working in the music business. I found out quickly that those MTV and Arista Records jobs weren't plentiful and didn't pay well and so, having to cough up the dough for my new 6th Floor walk-up studio rental, I accepted a job in the fashion world. Like Andy Sachs in The Devil Wears Prada (2006), I was working in an industry I didn't feel a connection with, in a job I didn't find fulfilling, with a number of self-centered people (not all, mind you) who only cared about the next promotion. My true calling has always been more personal and creative– writing and performing music, and psychological and sociological counseling have been the two areas that have always beckoned me from (seemingly) afar.

During the last nine months I have been lucky enough to pursue pastimes I love, including traveling (a delightful month in Europe with my husband), reconnecting with old pals, strengthening bonds with my dearest friends, completing projects around the house (a bathroom remodel), and engaging in more creative endeavors, like building my flute repertoire, learning to play guitar, writing more songs, and organic gardening in my backyard.

While this professional status change was a blessing and an opportunity, it's also a frightening transition. Because, you see, I am a different person. And I cannot go backwards. I am unable to fathom the idea of practicing my previous profession in the type of corporate environment that I left. And, while I am clear about that, I'm unclear about what's next. I was very good at my work and I took a fair amount of personal satisfaction from that knowledge. I made a great salary, which allowed us a comfortable lifestyle. But I can't sacrifice my spirit to the paycheck any longer.

Over the past few months, I've tried to force fit my return to the workplace. I have gone on several interviews with corporations who wished to hire me in my old capacity as a Purchasing Director. I found each of these experiences stifling, controlling and terrifying. On one occasion I was told that I would need to take a drug test as a condition of hire. On another I was told that if I could start the very next day then I would get the job but if I could not then they would hire the other candidate. What? Do we really live in a world where people (under the cloak of a corporation) can push other people around this way? And, do we really have to take it?

No, we don't. We each carve our own reality, and mine sure as hell is not going back to a place where employees are abused. Many pundits talk about how bad our economy is, and how any of us unemployed should take the first thing that comes up and feel lucky to have it. But I refuse to make these important decisions from a place of fear. And, I'm lucky enough to have a husband who supports me in this choice.

At this point, I've begun to realize that I can't force myself back into a situation that I've outgrown. There is a level of stress and pressure I feel to 'figure this out', to determine what I am qualified to do, what I would be good at, what would be fulfilling, and to get it 100% right and do it quickly because the mortgage isn't going to pay itself.

I have done enough personal work to know that good decisions do not come from a frenetic, stressed mind. So, I have tried to slow down, and have been meditating, journaling and listening to my dreams and my intuition to determine my calling. I'm also keeping an open mind regarding what that calling will be, because, you see, it would be very easy to discount any of them which involve going back to school (too expensive), volunteering (too time consuming), and starting from scratch (not enough income).

For now, I must admit, I do not know what is next. There is a freeing and a release of breath in the not knowing. The most important thing I have learned thus far is to stay in the moment. I am not bringing bad experiences of the past to my new life, and I am not projecting fear about the future into the present moment, I am taking each and every situation anew. So, will I pursue arts therapy? Mediation? Writing? Opening a cafe? I don't know. But I do know that, whatever I choose to do, it will be far more authentic and fulfilling than the work I was performing one year ago. And, for that, I feel blessed.